Hilarious Facebook Updates

have a giggle:-

Dave People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

Katie Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

Dave I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

Katie It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

Dave How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

Katie went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

Dave Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Katie What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

Dave My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

Katie Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

Dave Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.

Katie got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she's been diagnosed with OCD. She's rung the doctors nine times to check if they're correct.

Dave reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints.

Katie will one day get even... with all the people that have helped her.

Dave Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Katie People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Dave Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Katie Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Dave I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

Katie I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

Dave I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.

Katie TEIAM - problem solved

Dave never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Katie never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

Dave Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"