“I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.”
—Alan Coren
“I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.”
—Flann O’Brien
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
—Groucho Marx
“No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.”
—H.L. Mencken
“The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.”
—Stephen Sondheim
“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.”
—Unknown
“Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol.”
—Unknown
“Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.”
—Compton Mackenzie
“I guess a drag queen’s like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.”
—Harvey Fierstein
“He’s too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.”
—Neil Simon
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