“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
—Dean Martin
“Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
—Fran Lebowitz
“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
—Woody Allen
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it.”
—Sara Swank
“I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it’s often the same message: They hope it’s my last.”
—Al Forman (former MLB umpire)
“I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide.”
—Missy Fruchter
“I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?”
—Leo Duracher
“A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend’s houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.”
—Unknown
“The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.”
—Bill Cosby
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