Best quotes and quotations (19)

“A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.”
—Unknown

“Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.”
—Kimberly Broyles

“Shipwrecked man to another: ‘Don’t worry–we’ll be found. My pledge to the church is due this week.”
—Al Johns

“Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.”
—James Dent

“I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I’m only six feet tall, so I couldn’t play basketball. I’m only 190 pounds, so I couldn’t play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn’t be a referee.”
—Jay Leno

“Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you’re able to persecute.”
—Jonathan Kellerman

“He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.”
—The Better Half cartoon by Randy Glasbergen

“If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?”
—Unknown

“Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature.”
—Unknown


“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m Going to be If I Grow Up.”
—Lenny Bruce